Last night Dan and I went down to the beach for a swim and some boogie boarding in the waves. I was just feeling the need to connect with the ocean, feel the water surround me, and it was wonderful! Out in the distance, to the southeast, there were white clouds that had the look of the white water from the crashing waves as they push their way towards shore. The clouds were lit by the sun as it sunk in the western sky so they had that white, puffy, golden look to them. I could see that it was raining from the bottom of the clouds and halfway to shore, where the clouds began to lengthen into a smoother pattern, there was a rainbow streaming from the clouds to the ocean below. It was a beautiful site and as I got caught in the waves, I could feel the power of the water as it pulled and pushed and seemed to force its will on everything that it touched. Yet, at the same time, when I just gave myself up to it and floated on the surface, bobbing up with the swells and down again as they passed below me, allowing it to take me where it would, I could feel the oneness and peace that nature provides when it is observed and not fought against.
In some ways, it reminded me of the struggle I am in with ALS. There is a part of me that wants to fight with everything I've got and I am so frustrated and upset that there are so few options available. I am not one to sit idle while injustice is happening around me, so when I am the one faced with this unjustifiable disease it makes me feel like such a failure to not be able to find an effective tool to fight with! When the only options seem to be generic in their treatment, meaning that they are not really designed to fight ALS specifically, but they seem more geared to helping one resolve emotional and/or life issues which some believe may be the cause of the illness or they are designed to treat symptoms which may or may not be related to the disease, I just feel lost. Its not a clear answer. To me, it feels like being tossed around in the waves and not knowing which way is up until you either hit the sand or break the surface just to be hit by another wave. Then at other times, I feel the peace of just floating along doing nothing as I just allow myself to be taken on the journey and let it unfold as it will. However, as I feel changes happening in my body, the need to move into action strengthens, to find answers, but I want real answers, real positive results and I just don't see the door to them in front of me. You can only imagine how incredibly frustrating that is!