It is terribly frightening to learn you have an untreatable disease and as it sunk in, all the fears for what may come, how soon it may come, and in what form it may come found their way into my mind. Fears about how it would feel to lose control of my body, piece by piece, until I'm left with a shell controlled by machines and doctors (no thank you, by the way). Fears for not just how I will deal with it, but how the people I love will deal with it all, both while we are going through it and after I'm gone. So many things to fear, but I know fear is not the place I want to live in.
While most of us don't know what tomorrow will bring, I find it was much easier to plan for the future before April 30th. This May was just kind of a blur that included a lot of fear, sadness, and a deep sense of loss. But, as June approached, I started to get my bearings little by little. I am now beginning to feel, at times, a sense of freedom that seems to reside on the other side of fear. There is a freedom in knowing that I can control how I live today, tomorrow, and everyday for the rest of my life. I can choose my mind set, my beliefs, how I spend my time, and how I act and react in each situation I am faced with on a daily basis.
There is a freedom in knowing that while today I am walking on the beach, laughing, making plans for the near future, and just basically living my life as I wish, tomorrow is completely uncertain. That uncertainty can be approached with fear, but that only adds stress and I don't need that. Instead, I choose to face the uncertainty with a sense of freedom and acceptance, with love and gratitude for every good thing, every wonderful moment I am able to share with the people I love, both near and far, rather in person, in thought, or through technology. I believe that uncertainty can bring beautiful experiences to one's life if only we are open to them. I believe in keeping a positive outlook and focusing on all the blessings in my life, and there are more than I can count! This doesn't mean I am fear-free but it does mean that even when fear is lingering, I am not allowing it to control how I live.
I am finally in a place where I can feel what is beyond the fear, and that is a freedom to live and love without worry for what could come - there are no guarantees for any of us, so I am choosing to enjoy my life and do the best I can with each day.