Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The other side of fear...

It is terribly frightening to learn you have an untreatable disease and as it sunk in, all the fears for what may come, how soon it may come, and in what form it may come found their way into my mind.  Fears about how it would feel to lose control of my body, piece by piece, until I'm left with a shell controlled by machines and doctors (no thank you, by the way).  Fears for not just how I will deal with it, but how the people I love will deal with it all, both while we are going through it and after I'm gone.  So many things to fear, but I know fear is not the place I want to live in.

While most of us don't know what tomorrow will bring, I find it was much easier to plan for the future before April 30th.  This May was just kind of a blur that included a lot of fear, sadness, and a deep sense of loss.  But, as June approached, I started to get my bearings little by little.  I am now beginning to feel, at times, a sense of freedom that seems to reside on the other side of fear.  There is a freedom in knowing that I can control how I live today, tomorrow, and everyday for the rest of my life.  I can choose my mind set, my beliefs, how I spend my time, and how I act and react in each situation I am faced with on a daily basis.

There is a freedom in knowing that while today I am walking on the beach, laughing, making plans for the near future, and just basically living my life as I wish, tomorrow is completely uncertain.  That uncertainty can be approached with fear, but that only adds stress and I don't need that.  Instead, I choose to face the uncertainty with a sense of freedom and acceptance, with love and gratitude for every good thing, every wonderful moment I am able to share with the people I love, both near and far, rather in person, in thought, or through technology.  I believe that uncertainty can bring beautiful experiences to one's life if only we are open to them.  I believe in keeping a positive outlook and focusing on all the blessings in my life, and there are more than I can count!  This doesn't mean I am fear-free but it does mean that even when fear is lingering, I am not allowing it to control how I live.  

I am finally in a place where I can feel what is beyond the fear, and that is a freedom to live and love without worry for what could come - there are no guarantees for any of us, so I am choosing to enjoy my life and do the best I can with each day.


  1. Thanks for reminding me of the many things I take for granted. Your words are inspiring.

  2. if we could only learn to live the way you wrote in your last paragraph...we are usually so worried about the "what ifs" in life that we waste most of the short time we have here...anthony kiedis sang that "life is more than a read through"...this isn't a rehearsal...we should all go live life to the fullest...thanks sam

    1. Finally figured out this posting thing - yayyyy! I think your blog is terrific! I love your courage, honesty, hunamity, sense of humor and willingness to share. And besides - you are a darn good writer - who knew!!

      Many years ago I was a very very fear bound person - trying hard not to show it but holding on way too tightly. One afternoon, after having a long talk with someone, I was sitting quietly and all of a sudden I a had this overwhelming experience in my mind as it became clear to me that fear only existed within my mind and the form it took was a group of feelings that I had trouble untangling like a ball of tangled yarn. Most of my tangled feelings and fear came from comparing my myslef or my situation to my past experiences, my projected experiences and what I seemd to hear and see of others.

      In discussing this further, a friend pointed out that when ever I comapre myself I loose. I will always set myself up as being better than, worse than, or equal to. Better off, worse off - etc. and in doing so I am dwelling in an illusion - loosing out on this very moment and all that is present within my reality right now. As you said - uncertainty always surrounds our field of potential experience and the key that unlocks it all is an open mind.

      Isn't it interesting that so much of our thinking deeply about things and the wonderful realizations that come from thinking deeply about things comes from trying to break through one sort of pain or another. We really can dismiss our fears when we let go into the moment.

      Love ya Sam!