Those of you who know me know that I have always loved roller coasters but I'm not a fan of turbulence. I have been told they are basically the same feeling, but I disagree. One takes place on a track and is over in seconds while the other takes place a few miles above the Earth with no track and the ride is usually at least a few hours long. To be fair, turbulence does not regularly last for an entire flight, but it can be on and off throughout.
At this point, you are probably asking yourself what the hell does any of this have to do with my situation? Well, the last few months have felt like a roller coaster ride in that my emotions have been up and down but I have been able to remain positive, believing there would be a track below me to keep me on course until we reached the point where some type of treatment could be found at the end of the ride. Since Monday, however, I feel like I am stuck in turbulence, sometimes dropping hundreds of feet at a time, but not knowing if a safe landing will really happen or if there will just be a crash and burn at the end.
Statistically, I know turbulence very rarely, if ever, is the cause for a crash and burn. It just makes for a very uncomfortable ride that can induce fear leading to tears and sometimes downright terror. Historically, my fear of turbulence hasn't really been because I have a deep fear of the plane crashing, but really I just fear the hours of turbulence I have to survive to get to the final destination. I don't like to waste my time in fear and yet its a fear that I can only sometimes control, even though I realize that chances are great there will be turbulence and slim there will be actual danger.
This week has been filled with turbulence. The fears bubble up at obvious times as well as hitting me like a brick wall while walking my dog on the beach. Early in the week I spent a lot of time sad about all that I will miss, like my son turning 18 years old, becoming a man, finding his path in life, finding his true love, getting married, having babies and becoming a parent (which would have made me a grandma), and all the other things that happen along the way of life. I don't want to miss any of the things that happen in his life, he's my son and I love him beyond reason or measure. I want to be there for him.
That is just one deep seated fear, but there are others. How do I leave my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life behind, alone? Granted, he'll have our son, they'll have each other, but how unfair to leave him to deal with both of their sorrow without me there to buffer and guide and just be me for them.
This might not be making any sense, I'm pretty sure it won't always because my thoughts and emotions are all over the place from one moment to the next, but this is what's on my mind for now.